awkward turtle

I went to a graduation party in which I felt I was swimming in awkwardness. I find it would have been less awkward, if people would not have talked by me and across from me, but not directly at me. It felt as if I was a ghost, staring at visions of younger days when I longed to sit with people at benches, or talk to someone only to have them whisked away because someone found themselves a much more important fixture in their house. It was just-depressing. Understandable, I bring half of this upon myself, but again I feel that tug that I wish I was somewhere where I was particularly wanted, and needed.

I dreamt four nights ago of clock hands descending from the universe like rain, of the moon as a green eye, of mirrors and insects, of a love that never withdrew. It was not the feeling of completeness that I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.

It could not help, either, that I was tired from working a nine hour shift at work. I was not even allowed to go home and clean myself. I felt dirty, stingy, tired, bored, and awkward all at the same time. Plus, the party was not my cup of tea, it was not terrible, but you have to be musically inclined, and a social butterfly-to even see the benefits of the party. I say musically inclined because he had an open-mic for his party, so obviously artist's are not really great at being musically talented with art-at least not my art abilities.

What I need right now is to clean myself, read some, and eat something. My computer life is sorely lacking these past few days that did not include indulging in fanfiction, or strangely becoming addicted to watching Prince Nuada on youtube. I am shameless in all aspects of my life, and a geek at heart.